Life, what is life, it’s so full of meaning but something we don’t think about in our mundane existence. Many times, we take it for granted. Unexpectedly few things happen, and we realize the meaning and purpose. Things that are so essential and form the basis of our day-to-day existence, things we cannot imagine our life without, suddenly become irrelevant. 

Our focus narrows for that period, We take all sorts of pledges to things differently, never to be that person again. The event passes and so does our commitment to that pledge. We forget and we move on.

Every person is running somewhere not knowing what they want or for that matter what makes sense of their existence. It’s a rat race that has an entry but no exit. Inevitably we enter it and think that we are enjoying it. Day to day we go through our tasks, and nothing changes same things are repeated. 

Until that hour of reckoning that some call it. It opens our eyes and makes us realize what we have been pursuing and what is important. Children are the major reason for some of these eye-opening events. A person who does not accept defeat or considers oneself as what I call infallible also accepts defeat at their children’s hands. Children bring you to your knees and make you realize what you have been doing wrong

Something similar happened to me too. After nearly 50 years of my journey one day, my daughter came to me and told me that she has anxiety and major depression. Depression was something I had heard and kept a safe distance from and at the back of my mind. 

I knew what it was not prepared to let it enter my life. I expected my children to excel in studies being the 90-plus percentagers. How could I expect anything less from my children? After all, they were kids of a smart dad who knew everything or knew of a way around everything.

The severity of it did not hit me as I was still not willing to accept the fact that my child who was the center of my universe could be suffering from such a thing. I fooled myself by stating everything was fine and it was just a phase maybe she doesn’t understand things and as always something will give, and things will be all right.

Something did give in; it wasn’t all right. She told me that she was harming herself for some time. Thought of drinking acetone. She used razors to cut her hands. Been doing it for some time and was now in a state where she needed help. Her friends had advised her to inform her parents about the help she needs. 

As a concerned parent, I looked up my insurance to check the doctors available in my network. Having taken an appointment with the doctor I and my wife took our daughter to see the doctor. Doctors are after all our gods someone we turn to, to make things right. How can our gods fail us? 

At the doctor’s office, we filled out the forms some of the forms were given to my daughter as she was now an adult. Our turn came and my daughter’s name was announced. She got up and as we have been doing for the last 18 years, we also got up to go with her. 

Something happened for which I wasn’t prepared. The nurse assistant informed us that we could not go in with her as she is an adult. 

My wife and I were standing in the hallway when the door closed. This adult thing was not something we were prepared for. 

She was our life; we had no control over her destiny anymore. Like turning 18 was the elixir of life every person magically knows everything. A person who was harming herself wasn’t someone who was supposed to know what was right for her after all. 

18 is an age when you know what is right. I was directed toward the window and asked to pay for the visit. So, we were just a paycheck for our children now. 

I reasoned with the assistant; she informed me that we could go in if my daughter consented to our presence in front of the doctor.

We waited in the reception as they got the consent form signed by my daughter. The assistant informed us that our daughter had signed it and we could now go to the room she was in and meet the doctor. 

The relief we felt at that time is indescribable, I don’t have words to describe it. We went in and reached the room that our daughter was in. 

The doctor examined her and got all the questions and forms filled with her to understand her situation. “She needs to start on some medications which will help her and should show the improvement we were looking for” The doctor stated.

We were advised to do a weekly review as that would help with changes that need to be made for her. Week after week we came to her only thing that changed was the dosage that was increased. 

As we understood the main reason was to slow her mind. Not a happy thought when you think of it. Why would you want your brain to slow down? 

I wasn’t the doctor so left these things with her. 

She would know what gods are supposed to know.

One day in one of these visits we were sitting with the doc,” Get a list of the therapist in your network” she said, “These therapists can have MED, MS, MA, Ph.D., MSW”. 

So, I had some homework to do to get the therapists that are in the network and review with her on the next visit. The review was quick, “This therapist is good, I know her to see if you can get her” she said, marking the possible suggestions. I called one of the therapists.

I came to know that it was a group employing a lot of therapists and was given someone who had an opening. It felt like walking into a McDonald’s and ordering a custom burger. Except that in contrast to the ordering process which was simple this was complicated. Her being 18 just increased the pain in the whole process. 

I had to give my daughter’s number for the therapist’s appointment. Not something I could take after all paychecks should know their place; they are only supposed to pay not to have any control over the fates of their kids. 

I was thinking if they expected the appointment from the kids then why don’t they expect the payment also from the kids? If they cannot pay as they were students, then accept the fact that as parents we need to know too. 

They won’t do the appointment till they have my credit card on file so that they can bill me for that appointment. So, I wasn’t supposed to know when the appointments were there but would know about it only when I get to pay my credit card at the end of the month. 

The whole process of my daughter filling out forms and the initial evaluation was very exhausting and frustrating, to say the least. I came to understand many things that I would not have imagined earlier. Such life-changing events make you a little humble in life. 

Appreciating the small things around you. You tend to look a little inward and search for strength in different ways. Sometimes it is prayers to your respective gods it is discussing the events with your immediate family. Everything helps to keep you sane. 

Life is the only certain thing and the most uncertain thing if you think about it. 

After an exhaustive expensive process, the therapist stated that she needed a treatment that they could not offer, and we would have to look for another facility. Her therapist advised her to go to a facility that offers those sessions. Referring her to one which was in our network and nearest to our house. 

What followed was not something that I was prepared for or willing to accept. On one fateful day, I took her to that facility. Things started with the usual filling of forms. I was made to wait outside while she was taken inside to talk to the therapist and conduct the evaluation for the next steps.