Life something which is so full of meaning but often something we don’t think about. Something we take for granted. Unexpectedly few things happen and we realize the meaning and purpose. Things which are so essential and form the basis of our day to day existence, things we cannot imagine our life without, suddenly become irrelevant. 

Every person is running somewhere not knowing what they want or for that matter what makes sense of their existence. It’s a rat race which has an entry but no exit. Inevitably we enter it and think that we are enjoying it. Day to day we go through our tasks, nothing changes same things are repeated. Until that hour of reckoning that some call it. It opens our eyes and makes us realize what we have been pursuing and what actually is important. Children are the major reason for some of these eye opening events. A person who does not accept defeat or considers oneself as what I call infallible also accepts defeat at the hands of their children. Children bring you to your knees and make you realize what you have being doing wrong

Something  similar happened to me too. After nearly 50 years of my journey one day my daughter came to me and told me that she has anxiety and has major depression. Depression was something I had heard and just kept a safe distance from and kept at the back of my mind. I knew what it was was not prepared to let it enter my life. I expected my children to excel in studies being the 90 plus percentagers. How could I expect anything less from my children. After all they were kids of a smart dad who knew everything or knew of a way around everything.

The severity of it did not hit me as I was still not willing to accept the fact that my child who was the centre of my universe could be suffering from such a thing. I fooled myself statong everything was fine and it was just a phase maybe she doesn’t understand things and as always something will give and things will be alright.

Something did give in and it wasn’t alright. She told me that she was harming herself for sometime. Thought of drinking acetone. Used razors to cut her hands. Been doing it for sometime and was now in a state where she needed help. Her friends had advised her to inform her parents about the help she needs. 

As a concerned parent I looked up my insurance to check the doctors available in my network. Having taken an appointment with the doctor I and my wife took our daughter to see the doctor. Doctors are after all our gods someone we turn to, to make things right. How can our gods fail us. At the do OTP office we filled the forms some of the forms were giving to my daughter as she was now an adult. Our turn came and my daughters name was announced. She got up and as we have been doing for the last 18 years we also got up to go with her. Something happened for which I wasn’t prepared. The nurse assistant informed us that we could not go in with her as she is an adult. 

I and my wife were standing in the hallway as the door closed on us. This adult thing was not something we were prepared for. She was our life and we had no control over her destiny any more. Like turning 18 was the elixir of life every person  magically knows everything. A person who was harming herself wasn’t someone who was supposed to know what was right for her after all. 18 is that an age where you know what is right. I was directed towards the window and asked to pay for the visit. So we were just a paycheck for our children now. I reasoned with the assistant and she informed me that we could go in of my daughter consented to our presence in front of the doctor.

We waited in the reception as they got the consent form signed by my daughter. The assistant informed us that our daughter had signed it and we could now go to the room she was in and meet the doctor. The relief we felt at that time is indescribable, I don’t have words to describe it. We went in and reached the room that our daughter was in. The doctor has examined her and got all the questions and forms filled by her to understand her situation. She suggested that we start her on some medications which will help her and should show the improvement we were looking for.

We were advised to a weekly review as that would help in changes that need to be made for her. Week after week we came to her only thing that changed was the dosage that was increased. As we understood the main reason was to slow her mind. Not a happy thought of you think of it. Why would you want your brain to slow down. I wasn’t the doctor so left these things on her. She would know gods are supposed to know.

One day in one of these visits she advised us to go get a therapist for her. Get the therapist that are in network and review with her in the next visit. Review was quick marking the possible suggestions. I called one of the therapist thinking of being someone who would help one on one. I came to know that apparently it was a group employing a lot of therapist and was given someone who had an opening. It felt like walking into a McDonald and ordering a custom burger. Except that in contrast to the ordering process which was simple this was pretty complicated. Her being 18 just increased the pain in the whole process. I had to give my daughter number for the therapist appointment. Not something I could take after all paychecks should know their place, they are only supposed to pay not have any control over the fates of their kids. I was thinking if they expected the appointment from the kids then why don’t they expect the payment also from the kids. If they cannot pay as they were students then accept that fact too. Apparently they won’t do the the appointment till they have my credit card on the file so that they can bill me for that appointment. So I wasn’t supposed to know when the appointments were there but would know about it only when I get to pay my credit card at the end of the month. 

The whole process of my daughter going through filling of forms and the initial evaluation was very exhausting and frustrating to say the least. I came to understand a lot of things which I would not have even imagined earlier. Such life changing events make you a little humble in life. Appreciating the small things around you. You tend to look a little inwards and search for strength in different ways. Sometimes it is prayers to your respective gods sometimes it is discussing the events with your immediate family. Everything helps to keep you sane. Life is the only certain thing and also the most uncertain thing if you think about it. 

We take life for granted though the fact was that nothing about life can be taken for granted. We get ups and downs in life and understand the real meaning. Everything has a purpose sooner we find that purpose the better it is for experiencing it in full.